Western Hetalia!
by Lilypad the Fourth
Summary: AU. Miss Lizzie, the schoolteacher, is visited by an old friend. What will become of their meeting? Human names used. Total crack!


**Okay, so we had to write a western for English, and so I just _had _to upload it to Fanfiction. Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong.<em>

That was the church bell, tolling out the time. Miss Lizzie, the schoolteacher, looked up from the chalkboard in surprise. "Well, class, it looks like that's all for the day! Remember, there's a big test over fractions tomorrow, so make sure to get a good night's rest!"

"Goodbye Miss Lizzie!" the children said in unison as they stood up out of their chairs and gathered their belongings. A few stayed behind to finish up some schoolwork, but they left soon after.

Miss Lizzie smiled as the children left and began to hum a tune as she cleaned up the little one-room schoolhouse. She was super excited, due to an old friend of hers, Lieutenant Alfred Jones, who was finally coming home today. He was much nicer, albeit a little louder, than a certain person she'd rather not mention.

_Knock knock knock. Knock knock knock. _

Without warning a white-haired ruffian with bright red eyes burst through the door. "Hey, Lizzie! What's up?" He laughed annoyingly as he bounded into the room.

"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear," she muttered. "What do you want, Gilbert?"

The man laughed his annoying laugh again as he observed the room. "Nice place ya got here, Lizzie. What, you livin' with some snot-nosed brat?" Gilbert danced around the question like it was the town marshal.

"They are all quite nice, Gilbert. Now tell me what you want with me and get out of my classroom!" Lizzie growled at Gilbert. He reminded her of a past she'd been trying all too hard to forget.

"Classroom teacher, huh? Never thought you to be the intellectual type, Lizzie," Gilbert jeered. "You always said you hated teachers; that they just got in your way." He sat down in _her_ chair and put his feet up on _her _desk, a smirk on his face the entire time. Oh, how Lizzie wanted so badly to wipe that smirk off of his face with a well placed fist! But she couldn't, for that wasn't how she acted now. She was a lady, not an outlaw.

"Hahaha! Lizzie, you look fit to kill me right now!" Gilbert laughed as Miss Lizzie glared a hole through him. "Oh yeah! The reason I'm here!" He snapped his fingers. "I came to get my share of the loot."

Miss Lizzie blanched. She remembered how, just a few years ago in a town not so far away, she and Gilbert had raided and held up the bank, the saloon, the gambling house, and many wagons. They were uncatchable, untraceable. But that all changed when Lizzie had a change of heart. Gilbert hadn't gotten her reasons for wanting to stop stealing. She didn't want to be violent any more. She wanted a family, a real home, and someone to love her for real, not some dangerous job where she could end up hanging.

So Lizzie had taken all of the money they had stolen together, sent it to the bottom of a lake, and fled to this little town out on the frontier. She'd settled down, taken over the important job of schoolteacher, and met the amazing Lt. Jones. How Gilbert had tracked her down after five years she would never figure out.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Miss Lizzie lied, pretending to clean the blackboard of the fractions and cursive that had been written upon it.

Gilbert narrowed his eyes. "You and I both know you're lying." His tone was no longer playful and annoying, but hard and threatening. He sounded like he meant business. "Now, tell me where you hid the money before you ran!"

"I won't!" She said defiantly, continuing to clean the blackboard, only this time more furiously than before.

There was a noise like the cocking of a gun and Lizzie felt the cold steel of a pistol press against her temple. "Tell me where you hid the money, and you get to keep your life. Good trade, don't you think? Besides, what would a stupid schoolteacher like you do with all that money?" Gilbert laughed harshly. He was really demented and obsessed, more than she remembered. 'Stay strong, Lizzie. You can outwit him. Take a deep breath and think,' she told herself.

Suddenly her eyes flitted down to her hand. The eraser filled with chalk dust! That was her ticket out of this mess! She took a deep breath. "F-fine. I'll tell you. Just please don't kill me!" Lizzie said in a distressed tone. If she could fool Gilbert into letting his guard down, then maybe she could distract him and get out of there fast!

"Hahaha! Lizzie, you've gotten soft in your old age!" Gilbert laughed and removed the gun from Miss Lizzie's temple. She smoothed her brown hair down with her free hand nervously. "So, you gonna tell me where the loot is now or wh-"

_SMACK! _The chalkboard eraser hit Gilbert square in the face as Miss Lizzie turned sharply around. He screamed like a little girl as he fell to the ground. "Dang it, Lizzie!" he cried as she fled towards the door.

"That's what you get for trying to attack a girl!" Lizzie shouted at him triumphantly. Her victory was short-lived, however, as Gilbert was getting up as she gloated. She'd already thrown her only weapon; what was she to do now? In an attempt to get away, she fled towards the other door, which did not face Main Street. She didn't want to get anyone else injured, but now she was less likely to get away. 'Oh, that was a bad decision!' she thought nervously. 'I locked this door earlier! Now how am I going to escape?'

_Bang!_ Gilbert's pistol went off, shooting a hole in the door right next to Miss Lizzie's face. "Lizzie, you shouldn't mess with an experienced shooter like me. Now tell me where it is, or the next one goes through your skull!" Gilbert wasn't messing around anymore. He put the pistol barrel right on her forehead. He certainly wasn't going to fall for any of her tricks. Lizzie had to think fast! "Keep your hands away from your body, and don't pull any tricks, you hear me?" he snarled.

Suddenly Miss Lizzie saw her skillet hanging on the wall by her right hand. She must have left it here yesterday! If she could just grab it without Gilbert seeing it, she could attack him and flee to the marshal's office. She opened her mouth, as though she were about to tell Gilbert the location of the treasure. Then, she screamed, grabbed the skillet off of the wall, and whacked Gilbert on the side of his head as hard as she could!

Gilbert fell to the floor, unconscious. Suddenly, the door burst open for the second time that afternoon, and a tall, blond man wearing glasses rushed in. "DON'T WORRY LIZZIE I'LL RESCUE YOU!" he shouted, then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Miss Lizzie panting and holding a skillet in her hands.

"Hi…. Alfred…" Lizzie panted. "Can you… help me… get this guy… to the marshal's office?"

"Woah, Lizzie! Did you take this bad guy out all by yourself?" Alfred said, astonished. "That's super cool!" He walked over to Gilbert and kicked the vagrant's side. "Dang, he's out cold!"

"I hit him over the head with a skillet. I should hope he's out cold. Can you help me get this idiot to the station?" Miss Lizzie asked again.

Alfred nodded, and picked the still-snoozing Gilbert up, slinging him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Let's get this bad guy in jail! Wooh!" He fist-pumped with his free hand and Miss Lizzie opened the door for him.

As the pair walked through the town, they were greeted with cheers from the townspeople. They were finally bringing in an uncatchable outlaw. They were heroes!

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><p><strong>So? What did ya think? Feel free to review, and tell me if I messed anything up. Flames are welcomed and shall be used to dry out my swim apparel~! <strong>


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